The following post is from a testimony that I shared with my MOPS group at Immanuel Church in Gurnee, IL in 2019. It is written to be spoken aloud infront of a group of moms of young children like myself. It is about the time that I spent mothering my two children solo while Matthew was deployed. It was our first deployment and a rough one for me. The following is some of the things that I learned from the experience.
Hi ladies, most of you know me but incase you don’t, my name is Jennifer Ohrvall. My husband, Matthew, and I have been married for over 9 years and we have two children: Isabella who is 4 and conner who is 2. I’m here this morning to talk to you about the year that I’ve had. I know this is the day of “tea and testimony” and usually when I think of telling someone my testimony it involves the entire lifetime story of what Christ has done in your life. That is a long story!
So today I am going to focus on this past year because there have been a lot of struggles and some triumphs over this past year. I’m going to start by listing some of the obstacles that God has placed in my way since around late July last year. The first and biggest one being that my husband left for a 10 month long deployment on July 22nd. So during this whole MOPS year I have been 24/7 mom with no one else in the house to help lighten that load.
If your husband is at work all day and you hardly see him during the work week, I can sympathize. If your husband is a teacher that also coaches a sport or tavels for weeks on end, I can sympathize. I know how tough it can be to be on the clock 24/7 with your kids and just waiting for the moment when your husband comes home and you can get a break or even just be able to have an adult conversation.
So to my trails and a few great milestones that helped pass the time during this deployment. Just to list a few: We started homeschooling pre-K 4 the day after daddy left, I got super sick, like “can’t stand up on my own”’ sick 2 weeks after he left, Isabella turned 4 and my dad visited to celebrate with us, I started a preschool co-op group with a few other military spouses that homeschool, Conner went through a horrific ‘hand in poopy diaper’ phase, I went to MomCon!, we had our first serious peanut allergy scare, we had what I now refer to “the OCC nightmare” as well as a terrifying ‘am I going to electrocute myself trying to jump this vehicle before it floats away’ scare and then we went home to NC. Lots of stories to share, but that can be for another time. Looking back, I refer to these trials as the ‘simple days’ of deployment. They weren’t bad at all. I got through the trials and I was proud of myself for being able to overcome them without my husband. I enjoyed the constant rush of things to do and people to interact with because I kept us busy ALL THE TIME. We still had gymnastics class, co-op, homeschool, bible study and of course MOPS as regular ongoings. Still hustling to keep up with my early risers (they get that from their dad), the neverending laundry, dishes, and overall mess that they make and of course make it to the bedtime routine and my own peaceful night usually accompanied by a book or the tv.
My husband and I were still able to communicate about 3-4 times a week usually via google messaging but sometimes a video chat happened. But most of our conversations were surface level things. “How are you?, What have you been doing? How are the kids?”
I avoided telling Matthew about our struggles at home because it is more important for him to be focused on his mission and know that everything is going well back home. I would hold my tongue when the tough stuff comes along or just share bits and pieces so that he will not worry about what is happening back home. He needs to focus on his task because if he doesn’t then, he may not make it home to us. I felt the burden of keeping things inside and not having my best friend to relay information or spout off ideas to. I started to feel the pressure of being ‘lonely’. I didn’t want to burden him so I kept a lot of the daily struggles to myself.
Then we got to the time when we were going to NC. Now, this trip home was strategic guys. I was so sure that if I placed a trip home about halfway through the deployment that it would help relieve some stress and make time go by faster. Makes since right? Wrong. This was the start of the most stressful period of this past year. A few things that went horribly wrong were: the first weekend my brother got a DUI and needed me to bail him out of prison, kids caught colds which I am sure was from the plane flight, the second weekend we got a huge (for NC) snow storm and were stuck inside for 4 days with little for the kids to do in a space where they didn’t have all their toys and such. During the snow shut-in my dad went off on a drinking binge. He drank himself in to the hospital because some friends of his were worried about his welfare and called the cops to check on him. The cops came and my dad, being a drunk country boy, of course had guns around the house which ultimately concerned them enough to put him on suicide watch while in the hospital detoxing. He spent 3 days in the hospital and I saw my father as I’d never seen him before. This strong man who I always considered my protector was not hallucinating and fighting nurses to leave the hospital because “there was nothing wrong” with him. Since they had him on suicide watch I had to be the one to assure psychiatrist that he was not so depressed that he’d consider killing himself. This was and still is the hardest period of this past year. Saying it out loud just makes it more surreal that it even happened. Moving on...week 3 I sprained my ankle pretty badly (tripping over a suitcase, another story for another time), then my grandma (Nina) fell a few days later and hurt her shoulder pretty bad so I had to play nurse to her for a few days. Not to mention going through all this plus the spending Thanksgiving and Christmas away from my husband was just a different kind of lonely that I’d never experienced before. I thought being around our families in NC would help us from feeling lonely around the holidays but in reality we felt the absence of Matthew presence more keenly while we were there. Nothing can replace the role that he plays in our family and the gap that is obviously there when he isn’t around to fill it. I’ll never know if it would have been better to stay in IL for the holidays but I do know that it would have been hard either way.
After all the craziness calmed down in NC Matthew called and told me that he was being sent to Bahrain for a year on unaccompanied orders. For those of you that don’t know what that means, basically he would be going alone, without his family. He had known about these orders for weeks but didn’t tell me because I had so many other things going on with family back home. With these orders to Bahrain it meant that he would return from his deployment and stay with us for about 4 month before he had to leave again for another year by himself. If I didn’t have enough going through my head, the fact that my husband was going to miss another year of our children’s lives, that I was going to have to play 24/7 single momhood again for an even longer stretch of time, I had a hard time reconciling that with God. I had so many questions: why would he do this? What was he planning? How is this going to work?
A few days later Matthew called and told me that he had this possibility….something that might work out for us...he said there was the possibility that he could get the orders changed to accompanied orders! Meaning we would all go to Bahrain as a family! A glimmer of hope. I rested in that hope for a while! I thought God had sent the answers to my questions. A week or so later word came that his orders were changed and we could go with him!! Guys I was so excited! I love traveling. This would be perfect for us. I started looking up houses and planning for health screening that you have to have done before and overseas move in the military. I’m a planner too, like Amy, I like to know what I am getting myself into. So I immersed myself into all things Bahrain and learned what I could about our new duty station. And then, crash, two weeks later another crushing call….we actually can’t go with him, there is not enough space in quotas for families. It was back to square one. I spent quite a few days very angry over this. Angry with the military and angry that God would allow this to happen. I had even more questions and it seemed like my emotions were being toyed with.
I’m going to stop here because I feel like it is critical at this point to tell you all how I was not a crying, heaping mess of a mother after all this transpired. Prayer! I so believe in the power of prayer. It’s power to heal your mind, to bring you peace, to help you find comfort in the midst of all the craziness going on around you. I kept myself deep in a prayer life but not only individually. I had SO MANY other women praying for me. Whenever something new came up I would first turn to God and pray then, if he was available, I’d talk to my husband about it. Most of the time the next people in line were my prayer warrior friends. These included the steering team and bible study friends along with a host of other women that I trusted to be on a solid foundation with God. Most of the time, when I sent out a prayer request it brought me a sense of peace to know that someone else was praying specifically for my situation. When I started to get angry and wrestle with God about our latest news that we would not be going to Bahrain as a family, I sought out someone to confide in. Someone that I could trust to not think of me as having a weak relationship with God but instead would help build me up to realize that it was OK to be angry but to still have faith in God’s plan. Praying has helped me come to terms that God has a plan, and even though it looks like something that I would not want for my family, his plans are always greater than mine.
For the most part the rest of the deployment went about as to be expected. We came back to IL and the loads upon loads of snow that I felt like I was always shoveling. We hunkered down for the sub-zero freeze, kept busy with the list of activities we did weekly, and planned special events each month for something to look forward to. As the return date kept getting pushed later and later for various reason, I didnt fret about it really because by this point nothing about the deployment had gone as I’d wanted/expected it to. So the fact that Matthew never knew or could tell me really when he would be home just became another thing to add to my prayer list. “Lord, please keep him safe and return him to us soon.”
Finally the day arrived when he could tell me exactly when to expect his flight to land at O’hare! The excitement and anticipation made me feel like I was outside myself. You know when you feel like you are hovering over your body watching everything happen in what feels like slow motion? God only knows what a mess of emotions I was during this past year from finding out that Matthew was going on this deployment all the way to his homecoming. It’s been a roller coaster for sure but there are so many things that I did that I never thought I’d be capable of on my own. The power of Christ definitely helped guide me through a lot of tough situations and his grace toward me help me allow myself some breathing room to make mistakes.
So that’s my list of stuff that has happened and one way that I kept everything together (prayer). But there are a few other things that God has used during this time to bring light into my life. One major positive has been music. It’s weird in a way, because I don’t consider myself a musical person, I can’t sing or play an instrument. But I filled a lot of quiet times (and not so quiet times when the kids were either upset or cranky) with the sound of worship music. In the car, making dinner, during bathtime, folding laundry. It started as something to fill some silence, emptiness of not having an adult to talk to. But it slowly morphed into worship and talking to God in the mundane. I could be frustrated with the hustle of the morning, overwhelmed with the tasks of the day or just tired and needing a little extra energy and I’d put on my pandora or spotify station and it’s like God could fill me up through the songs. Now all we listen to is worship music. I have CDs in my car that have been played so much even my 4 year old daughter belts out the songs with me. Worship has always been a crucial aspect in choosing a church for me. I need good worship to get connected to God and be ready to receive his message. Immanuel does that so well for me. Now I have discovered that good worship “on the go” acts in the same way. I can get energy from a great song, I can turn my anger or sadness into joy with a song that praises Jesus and thus leads me to praising Jesus. Music is amazing in that way.
I specifically remember one night after a particularly difficult dinner debate regarding how many pieces of corn my daughter must eat before she could leave the table we went up to get baths. I was in the throws of the nighttime routine (you know, where you just want to run through it and get it done so you can finally sit down in some peace for a minute). I, being the multitasking mom that I have now become, was folding the last load of laundry just outside the open bathroom door (to avoid the splashes on freshly washed clothes as well as keep an eye on the kids). I do as I have become accustomed to doing now, I put on my music. Low and behold the second song to come on just as I was finishing up folding was Lauren Diagel’s “You Say”. You guys my mood instantly shifted. I belted that song, my daughter joined in, I’m sure my neighbors couldn’t help but hear it as well. But that heated debate was forgotten, the dishes that we still on the table and in the sink were forgotten, saw my task for what they were and enjoyed the time that I had to do them. It’s a mind shift, sometimes a good song will do that for you. I am convinced that God will give you the perfect song that you need in times when you are feeling low.
There were a couple other times when I specifically felt God move in me through the music. One was on hour and a half drive to the hospital to see my dad. After learning why exactly he was there and battling with what this could mean for him, God played song after song on a K-love station that I happened to find that worked in the area. I was able to worship and feel peace when I finally got to the hospital. Which turns out I would really need that time to calm my mind and trust God to help me through the time of first seeing me dad in the hospital. It was so hard seeing my strong, protector of a father hallucinating due to the alcohol withdrawal and battling nurses to remove wires and handcuffs. Seeing my father in the hospital brought up so many memories that I wasn’t ready or willing to face. I had lost my mom just a few years prior to this and was the only “competent” closest relative to make decisions for her when she was on her deathbed. I had the responsibility of making a heartbreaking decision for her in those moments. Here I was in the same boat being the ‘point person’ for my father. I don’t think we are ever really ready to become like parents to our own parents. It’s such a reversal of what I considered normal and it scared me. I thank God that I had music to keep me company during that long drive back to my grandmother’s house. Because then I had the task of relaying horrible information to the rest of the family.
Another time was more recently. The weight of all the delays getting Matthew home plus just keeping up with the pace of life that I’d set for us had me a a funk. For a few days I was just in a gloomy state. Not any fun to be around and snappy with my children. I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was causing it but I knew that if I let it keep control of me then I would sink deeper and deeper into this depression. Then one sunday morning service at Immanuel during the worship, I surrendered it all to God. I admitted that whatever was clouding me was from the devil and I asked God, I pleaded really, that He would take it away. That’s what I love about worship time at church. You can be worshipping and praying and feel the spirit come over you without anyone else really knowing what is going on. I’m an introvert, I don’t like to draw attention to myself, especially not in a crowd. But at that service I felt God speak on word over me, “peace”. I left that day, not remembering the sermon exactly, (sorry Josh) but remembering how God set a peace over me and that I no longer felt that looming cloud over me.
And then there were the people. For those of you that don’t really know me, I am a prideful, perfectionist. I like to think that I can handle anything and everything that comes my way. For the majority of this deployment, I was able to maintain that status as a prideful perfectionist. But God did some work in me in that area too! There were time when I just couldn’t do it by myself, it was physically impossible. Like the time that I started a new birth control in preparation for matthew’s homecoming in a few months and it ended up with me on the floor of the bathroom going through wave after wave of nausea and puking. I had to ask for help. It was hard for me. Like to the point where I would type up the text and let it sit until the next wave came thinking I could just get through this next one and be OK. Ultimately, I sent it and a friend came and was literally the hands and feet of Jesus for me. She helped me feed my kids and put them to bed before making sure that I had everything I needed for the night as well.
There was the time that Isabella had the peanut scare, I didn’t hesitate to ask for help then (the life or death of your child will take president over your pride), the question was more of “who can get here faster”. Another friend showed up in mere minutes, her own kids in slippers and blankets running behind her.
The time that I needed a ride to and from the airport for my NC trip, another friend showing up and going out of her way to make sure that the kids and I had a warm meal when we came home.
There were quite a few nights when our regular babysitter couldn’t babysit for me when I had somewhere that I needed to be, another humbling moment putting away my pride and picking up the phone, another amazing friend.
Then just a couple weeks before matthew comes home, the kids get a nasty stomach bug. We’d managed to avoid sickness in our house for almost the entire deployment. But they caught it bad and it was gross. One full night awake and vomit everywhere. But when I need supplies, a friend came to my aid, no questions asked.
God was/is working in me, helping me realize what a blessing it is to ask for help. I can be really prideful but these times that I stepped out of that sinful nature and let someone else be the light of Jesus for me, I will alway remember and cherish. It can be hard, so hard to ask for help. I sometimes feel like I don’t deserve help or that I am not as in need as someone else may be. But believe me, putting yourself out there and praying that God would put the right people in your life is a blessing not only to you but to the person doing the helping as well. We can’t always be super mom. I can’t be supermom. As much as this world of Pintrest and social media may urge me to be…. As much as we try and we push our bodies, minds and spirits to the limit, sometimes we need to ask for help. And that is OK, ...no really listen...it is OK to ask for help. I had to learn this the hard way, pushing myself to that limit where I no other choice multiple times over the past year.
Prior to deployment, Matthew was the one I’d ask for help because, you know, he’s in this too. But when he’s not, when he can’t be, I feel the pressure to handle everything on my own. But Jesus has taught me through these countless experiences that He is here for me in many different ways. When I was feeling the pressure of being lonely and holding all my small struggles inside at the beginning of the deployment. I quickly realized that didn’t work and instead I brought it all to God in prayer and trusted him to take care of it so that I could move past whatever was stressing me out. Through my prayer life and enlisting others to pray for/with me I have gained a stronger more fulfilling relationship with Christ. Through the daily grind with music to guide my worship of Him I have enhanced that sense of “togetherness’ or “closeness” with him. And especially through my friendships and laying down my own sinful pride to allow others to bless me immensely.
Prior to deployment, I would have looked at my life and said that we were doing OK, we were getting everything done, checking everything off the list (including my bible study and personal prayer time) BUT throughout this deployment, God has shown me just how much MORE he has for me. He’s given me hardships but He’s placed people and music in my life to enhance my worship to him. I was so angry for a while, but that anger only fueled my desire to trust in His plan. I can look back over this deployment and say that it has made me stronger and has opened my eyes to a life that is so much more reliant on Him. When I am solely reliant on Jesus, my prayer life is stronger, my prideful self dies, my perfectionism has to calm down a bit. I’ve learned to ‘suffer well’. 1 Peter 4:12-13 says “Dear friends, don’t be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you. Instead, be very glad--for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world.”
Lead into the Alter Call portion:
Suffering is a part of life. Whether you believe Jesus died for your sins or not, you will suffer. It is when we accept that we are partners with Christ in His suffering that you can suffer well. We suffer with Christ, he suffers with us. We’re in this together. I have grown from my suffering rather than just suffering for no good reason. When we learn to suffer well we develop a Christ-like character because Jesus took the cross and suffered well on it. We also develop a sensitivity for others that we could only get through our own experiences. Sharing my story is a way for me to reach others that may have gone through or are going through similar situations. I hope that my testimony has reached some of you mommas here today that may be on a rollercoaster of emotions or trying to keep up with the crazy pace of preschool and school aged children.
Jesus wants you to suffer well and to lean on him through the trails that life will inevitably bring. Maybe some of you here are wondering how you could possibly suffer well in your own life trials? Maybe you haven’t accepted Jesus into your heart yet but you are feeling that nudge today after hearing mine and Amy’s testimony. Maybe you can feel something in your heart that is telling you to make the decision to accept Jesus into your heart today. It can feel like your heart is pounding out of your chest or you are nervous sweating but that’s OK. The steps are simple. Accepting Jesus in your heart means first accepting that you are a sinner and fall short of the glory of God, acknowledging that you need a savior and that Jesus is that savior and then believing with all your heart that Jesus’s blood covers your sins and you have been forgiven. If that is you or you would say that you have already accepted Jesus as your savior then I just want to take some time to pray for you and for all the mommas here who have heard these testimonies. If you could bow your head and pray with me that would be great.
Dear Jesus, First of all thank you so much for this group of women. Thank you for providing a space where we can gather and be vulnerable with one another. That we can share stories and receive encouragement and love from one another. Thank you for these testimonies. Lord we know that you call us to share our stories with others and so I pray that you would use them today to glorify you alone. To you be all the glory. You are the reason we are able to suffer well. Lord I want to pray specifically for the women in this room who may be feeling like there is something moving in their hearts today. That your spirit is convicting them to come to you and trust that you are the lord of their lives and that you have a glorious plan. God we love that you are crafting each of our stories to build us up in relationship with you and to create a testimony that is pleasing to you so that we can share it with others. Lord give us the strength to know how to suffer well; to love other unconditionally, to accept that we are all sinners, to encourage one another through the trials. We trust that you have a plan for each and every life here today. In Jesus name, Amen.
If you are here today and you would say that you have not committed your life to Christ or that you are unsure if you have and you feel the Holy Spirit nudging you closer to Him, we love you and we want to help. The process is simple, I don’t promise that is it an easy walk after you commit your life to christ but I can promise that you will learn how to suffer well as Christ suffered well on the cross. In a moment Jacqui is going to come back up and sing another song for us. If you haven’t already and would like help praying over the steps to accepting Christ Alanna will be in the back to pray with you. Otherwise, please with heads bowed and eyes closed take this time to privately meditate on the testimonies today and what you have learned or gleaned from our stories as Jacqui leads us in worship.
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