**Disclaimer: This post may be a little too detailed for those of you that read this and don't want to know THAT much about my breast feeding misadventures. This is just a fair warning, read at your own risk!**
Before I begin I want everyone to know that I am writing this as a kind of release for myself to try and come to terms with my decisions and to accept that I am doing what is best for myself and my relationship with Isabella.
I will start from the beginning. After my c-section I was able to have some time to hold Isabella chest to chest and start nursing. Isabella was a champ from the start! She latched on and started nursing almost immediately. The first day was easy-peasy. Day two was a little more difficult. It was like Isabella completely forgot how to latch and stay latched for food. I had to consult the lactation consultant at the hospital and get some tips.
By the end of the first week of Isabella's life, I was in pain from nursing. I went to a local breast feeding support group for help. I had a lot of support from one woman in particular who I will be forever grateful for. She gave me many tips and advice for getting a good hold and latch and how to get Isabella to open wide for a better latch. I was diligent in trying to get her into the correct position. However, by that time her latch had been shallow for so long that I now had a deep crack all the way across my right nipple and a smaller crack on my left. As such, I tried feeding her more on the left side so that the pain wasn't unbearable. This is when I discovered my next hurdle, my left breast was not producing milk the way that my right breast was. Because of this fact Isabella would get extremely fussy when I put her on the left side and she wasn't getting the milk fast enough. She would get so fussy in fact that she would refuse to eat even when I tried switching sides.
This led to many tears for both her and I. The cycle would go one of two ways: put her on the left side and try to get her to eat until she would start to get fussy, move her over to the right side and have my toes curl in pain from her latching onto a horribly torn up nipple, or the second way where I would just suck up the pain and let her eat on the right side because I knew she would get fussy otherwise. The second happened mostly at night when I was too exhausted to try to keep a latch on the left side when she would always come off.
Anyway, this is when the pain started and it has not stopped. It got so bad that I actually had to stop nursing and only pump for about 3 days in order to try and heal my nipple up enough to start nursing again without dreading it because of the pain. During the time when I was only pumping I noticed exactly why Isabella got so fussy on my left side. When I pumped for about 20 minutes on both breast, I would get at least 2 ounces on my right side but only a couple drops on my left. This led to me trying to pump more often on my left side to get the production up. I tried everything I could to get the left side producing more such at taking herbal supplements and drinking mother's milk tea but nothing worked. The things that I was doing to get the left side working better were actually causing my right side to over produce and thus get plugged ducts!
Yet another problem to deal with and more pain. Plugged ducts suck almost as much as being engorged or having cracked nipples (almost). Yes I battle basically every problem that you can have with breastfeeding at one point or another. I even had a small bout of mastitis trouble for a bit. Now I am battling nerve damage from having had my nipple be cracked repeatedly. It seems even though Isabella is latching on and getting the milk she needs, she still does something to my nipple that causes it to remain cracked. It just won't heal! Every time I get close to having a healed nipple she either bites down on the end and re-cracks it or has a bad latch again that re-cracks it.
When I was in NC visiting with family I finally felt confident enough to stop using the nipple shield. This was after about 2 months of using the shield. I tried nursing a few times without the shield and she latched on fine. I thought: Finally, I can nurse her normally and all these problems will go away and all this stuff about how 'it will get better with time' will finally come true. Boy was that wrong. My nerve pain has only gotten worse and the crack still won't heal. Granted the pain is not as bad as it was but when I went to see the lactation consultant when I got back to Guam she said that the reason the pain wasn't as bad was because I had gotten used to it! I had gotten so used to having pain when nursing that I wasn't feeling it unless it was extreme!
I have spent many days and night crying in pain and feeling like a failure because I am having so much trouble breastfeeding. It is supposed to be easy right...this is what God made breast for right....why is it not working for me!? Well after 4 months of break-downs nearly every week where I want to quit but don't because I feel to guilty, I have finally come to the decision that I have to do what is best for me and for my relationship with Isabella. I don't want to dread every time that Isabella gets hungry because I know it means pain for me. I don't want to be in pain even when she is not nursing. I am tired and I have tried everything that I can think of to make this work. I have given Isabella 4 months of the nourishment that she deserves and I know that she deserves even more but we are going to go a different route now. I have decided to slowly wean her and myself away from breastfeeding and into formula feeding. Over the next 3 weeks I will be slowly replacing feedings with formula until my supply slows down and we can transfer completely to formula.
Even writing this I have mixed feelings. I know that I have made this decision but I still feel so guilty and inadequate. I hate that I have to stop breastfeeding because I know that it creates this bond between mother and child that is like nothing else. I want that! But at what cost? Is being in pain 24/7 worth that? I hope that one day I can get over it and realize that she will be just as healthy and happy on formula as she would on breast milk but right now I am just sad.
I know this post was all over the place, I am sorry for that. I am mostly just rambling anyway. But thanks for reading. Please pray for me that I will be able to get over my guilt and that my body will heal itself so that I am not in constant pain anymore. Thank you.
Before I begin I want everyone to know that I am writing this as a kind of release for myself to try and come to terms with my decisions and to accept that I am doing what is best for myself and my relationship with Isabella.
I will start from the beginning. After my c-section I was able to have some time to hold Isabella chest to chest and start nursing. Isabella was a champ from the start! She latched on and started nursing almost immediately. The first day was easy-peasy. Day two was a little more difficult. It was like Isabella completely forgot how to latch and stay latched for food. I had to consult the lactation consultant at the hospital and get some tips.
By the end of the first week of Isabella's life, I was in pain from nursing. I went to a local breast feeding support group for help. I had a lot of support from one woman in particular who I will be forever grateful for. She gave me many tips and advice for getting a good hold and latch and how to get Isabella to open wide for a better latch. I was diligent in trying to get her into the correct position. However, by that time her latch had been shallow for so long that I now had a deep crack all the way across my right nipple and a smaller crack on my left. As such, I tried feeding her more on the left side so that the pain wasn't unbearable. This is when I discovered my next hurdle, my left breast was not producing milk the way that my right breast was. Because of this fact Isabella would get extremely fussy when I put her on the left side and she wasn't getting the milk fast enough. She would get so fussy in fact that she would refuse to eat even when I tried switching sides.
This led to many tears for both her and I. The cycle would go one of two ways: put her on the left side and try to get her to eat until she would start to get fussy, move her over to the right side and have my toes curl in pain from her latching onto a horribly torn up nipple, or the second way where I would just suck up the pain and let her eat on the right side because I knew she would get fussy otherwise. The second happened mostly at night when I was too exhausted to try to keep a latch on the left side when she would always come off.
Anyway, this is when the pain started and it has not stopped. It got so bad that I actually had to stop nursing and only pump for about 3 days in order to try and heal my nipple up enough to start nursing again without dreading it because of the pain. During the time when I was only pumping I noticed exactly why Isabella got so fussy on my left side. When I pumped for about 20 minutes on both breast, I would get at least 2 ounces on my right side but only a couple drops on my left. This led to me trying to pump more often on my left side to get the production up. I tried everything I could to get the left side producing more such at taking herbal supplements and drinking mother's milk tea but nothing worked. The things that I was doing to get the left side working better were actually causing my right side to over produce and thus get plugged ducts!
Yet another problem to deal with and more pain. Plugged ducts suck almost as much as being engorged or having cracked nipples (almost). Yes I battle basically every problem that you can have with breastfeeding at one point or another. I even had a small bout of mastitis trouble for a bit. Now I am battling nerve damage from having had my nipple be cracked repeatedly. It seems even though Isabella is latching on and getting the milk she needs, she still does something to my nipple that causes it to remain cracked. It just won't heal! Every time I get close to having a healed nipple she either bites down on the end and re-cracks it or has a bad latch again that re-cracks it.
When I was in NC visiting with family I finally felt confident enough to stop using the nipple shield. This was after about 2 months of using the shield. I tried nursing a few times without the shield and she latched on fine. I thought: Finally, I can nurse her normally and all these problems will go away and all this stuff about how 'it will get better with time' will finally come true. Boy was that wrong. My nerve pain has only gotten worse and the crack still won't heal. Granted the pain is not as bad as it was but when I went to see the lactation consultant when I got back to Guam she said that the reason the pain wasn't as bad was because I had gotten used to it! I had gotten so used to having pain when nursing that I wasn't feeling it unless it was extreme!
I have spent many days and night crying in pain and feeling like a failure because I am having so much trouble breastfeeding. It is supposed to be easy right...this is what God made breast for right....why is it not working for me!? Well after 4 months of break-downs nearly every week where I want to quit but don't because I feel to guilty, I have finally come to the decision that I have to do what is best for me and for my relationship with Isabella. I don't want to dread every time that Isabella gets hungry because I know it means pain for me. I don't want to be in pain even when she is not nursing. I am tired and I have tried everything that I can think of to make this work. I have given Isabella 4 months of the nourishment that she deserves and I know that she deserves even more but we are going to go a different route now. I have decided to slowly wean her and myself away from breastfeeding and into formula feeding. Over the next 3 weeks I will be slowly replacing feedings with formula until my supply slows down and we can transfer completely to formula.
Even writing this I have mixed feelings. I know that I have made this decision but I still feel so guilty and inadequate. I hate that I have to stop breastfeeding because I know that it creates this bond between mother and child that is like nothing else. I want that! But at what cost? Is being in pain 24/7 worth that? I hope that one day I can get over it and realize that she will be just as healthy and happy on formula as she would on breast milk but right now I am just sad.
I know this post was all over the place, I am sorry for that. I am mostly just rambling anyway. But thanks for reading. Please pray for me that I will be able to get over my guilt and that my body will heal itself so that I am not in constant pain anymore. Thank you.
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